Well, it's 2008, and nothing cool has happened. I know it's unfair for me to make these types of demands, but we're in the internet age and damnit, things should happen quickly. I threw a New Years party at my house at the beach; I mean it was alright. Broken glass, questionable behavior and a 2 hour drive the next morning. Besides that, nothing too out of control. I just wish I was excited about 2008, but honestly, it's the same fucking thing. I'll go to work, tell some jokes, eat, sleep and probably go on a few dates. I'm not trying to sound depressed, but I'd like something to jump out and kick me in the balls. Accidental Karate Lessons would be cool, or taking my car off a ramp during my lunchtime jaunts. These are cool things, unexpected things but cool nontheless.
I just don't want to see anymore awkward girls. I'm already awkward enough, and I don't usually call in favors to the guy upstairs, but please, just a few normal people this year. Stability could be the new black this season. Did I just type that? Fuck, I need a drink...or a diaper.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Friday, December 14, 2007
L.A.R.P.ing
Live Action Role Playing. It's apparently popular now. Just like celeb nude pics, diet tonic water and the iPhone. I'm calling it, asshole. Basically it's where one decides to live out their fantasies as a wizard or orc hunter in real life. People build their own weapons and costumes and run around the forests or other battlefields found on Granma's farm and reak havoc in the kingdom. I don't get this at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fucking nerd. I love comics, video games and I enjoy my occasional anime, but I severely don't get this.
It's all about escape I guess. If you have a shitty life working 9-5 at a shoe store, when you get off you can create a persona where you're a king or an ancient necromancer. I know it's fun; I played those games when I was fucking 8. Then a little thing called puberty hit; hair grew all over my back and I started to think about women taking showers. It's a natural thing, I guess, but for some reason, these guys missed out on this chemical mind fuck. Basically, you can't delay the inevitable. Life sucks hard, and some of us have it worse than others, but to dress up like an eleven high priest and nail your next door neighbor with a foam sword seems a little off. Sure, all of us at some point want to disconnect with the world around us, but fantasy isn't the way. Alcohol, forgetting family outings, and lying to get off work to sleep in are the better options.
Hey, if you want to LARP, go ahead, it's a free country...or fiefdom.
It's all about escape I guess. If you have a shitty life working 9-5 at a shoe store, when you get off you can create a persona where you're a king or an ancient necromancer. I know it's fun; I played those games when I was fucking 8. Then a little thing called puberty hit; hair grew all over my back and I started to think about women taking showers. It's a natural thing, I guess, but for some reason, these guys missed out on this chemical mind fuck. Basically, you can't delay the inevitable. Life sucks hard, and some of us have it worse than others, but to dress up like an eleven high priest and nail your next door neighbor with a foam sword seems a little off. Sure, all of us at some point want to disconnect with the world around us, but fantasy isn't the way. Alcohol, forgetting family outings, and lying to get off work to sleep in are the better options.
Hey, if you want to LARP, go ahead, it's a free country...or fiefdom.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I hate Old People
I've never liked old people. Maybe it was because I never knew any of my grandparents or the fact that I worked in a Pharmacy for 3 years, but everytime I see one of them I just want to tell them shut the fuck up. They're always cold, and they pretend like they've never seen technology before. Come on, you old fuck, you know what a computer is! They had them back in the 40s or some shit. Yes Grandpa, it's a cell phone, use it to call your granddaughter so you can talk to her and forget her name again. I mean I guess it's funny to laugh at them, but seriously, have you seen their faces when they're confronted with any kind of tech problem?!
I especially love when they get offended by cursing or nudity. I want to be like "For Fuck Sake! You fought in World War II!!! You exploded Nazi skulls all up and down French streets, yet it bothers you when some dude in a skin tight unitard says he wants to shave a goat's balls??!?!?!" And no, I don't have to respect you just because you're old. If you were dumb when you were 20, you're dumb when you're 80.
Shit, when I'm old, I know exactly how I'm going to go out of that problem. If I ever utter "I'm cold" when I'm wearing Bermuda shorts in weather over 70 degrees, or I can't work a touch tone phone, I'll have my family send me to the coast. There I will construct a raft with metal or wood, which ever I find first. I will take along my iPod (I'll be old, so it's the only thing I can listen to, fucker), a shotgun, a rod and 3 gallons of drinking water. I will then head out into the ocean to live the rest of my life. I will shoot fish with the shotgun, pull them in with my rod. I'll live like this until I have a heart attack or get eaten. Period. No bothering people with stupid fucking questions about the internet or telling shitty stories about the "good old days". I'm sorry everyone, but I just get worked up over stupidity. And adult diapers.
I especially love when they get offended by cursing or nudity. I want to be like "For Fuck Sake! You fought in World War II!!! You exploded Nazi skulls all up and down French streets, yet it bothers you when some dude in a skin tight unitard says he wants to shave a goat's balls??!?!?!" And no, I don't have to respect you just because you're old. If you were dumb when you were 20, you're dumb when you're 80.
Shit, when I'm old, I know exactly how I'm going to go out of that problem. If I ever utter "I'm cold" when I'm wearing Bermuda shorts in weather over 70 degrees, or I can't work a touch tone phone, I'll have my family send me to the coast. There I will construct a raft with metal or wood, which ever I find first. I will take along my iPod (I'll be old, so it's the only thing I can listen to, fucker), a shotgun, a rod and 3 gallons of drinking water. I will then head out into the ocean to live the rest of my life. I will shoot fish with the shotgun, pull them in with my rod. I'll live like this until I have a heart attack or get eaten. Period. No bothering people with stupid fucking questions about the internet or telling shitty stories about the "good old days". I'm sorry everyone, but I just get worked up over stupidity. And adult diapers.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Christmas Time for an Atheist
I don't believe in God but I still have to get people presents. It's a tricky situation, because I don't want to be an asshole and not get a gift for my family or close friends, but on the flip side I'm so goddamn lazy when it comes to the Holidays. I have no gift creativity.
My family isn't into X-mas for the magic of Jesus' birth, it's just an excuse for my Mom to buy more artificial trees to hang ornaments and lights. It's her thing, so we don't say anything, just like it's my thing to find creative places to masturbate. Either way I'm fucked because the only gifts I've bought my father are a pair of Cincinnati Bengals gloves...really screams "I love you", right? My mother and sister refuse to let me know what they want as well, so I'm forced to play Russian Rulet; should I pick the kitten picture frame or the 2 in 1 toaster/sandwhich press???? Fuck, I have no idea. So you see, being an Atheist at X-mas with a family who could care less doesn't help. So I'll bring my battle axe and fight my way through a sea of 400lb zombies at the local outdoor mall. I'm getting stressed out about buying gifts, how lame is that?!
My family isn't into X-mas for the magic of Jesus' birth, it's just an excuse for my Mom to buy more artificial trees to hang ornaments and lights. It's her thing, so we don't say anything, just like it's my thing to find creative places to masturbate. Either way I'm fucked because the only gifts I've bought my father are a pair of Cincinnati Bengals gloves...really screams "I love you", right? My mother and sister refuse to let me know what they want as well, so I'm forced to play Russian Rulet; should I pick the kitten picture frame or the 2 in 1 toaster/sandwhich press???? Fuck, I have no idea. So you see, being an Atheist at X-mas with a family who could care less doesn't help. So I'll bring my battle axe and fight my way through a sea of 400lb zombies at the local outdoor mall. I'm getting stressed out about buying gifts, how lame is that?!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The first post
Hey,
I don't know if people are reading this or care. I'm a little late on the blog wagon, as my fat friend would say, but I figure now's better than ever to write a journal. I remember when I was little that I didn't have the patience to write a journal; I was too busy watching Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Dam movies on TBS Saturday afternoons instead of writing about riding bikes with my friends or sneaking looks at naked pictures. That was what we did in my neighborhood as kids. Very American, I guess.
What do I want to accomplish? Well, I'd like to make people laugh, and I'd like to practice my writing styles...I'd also like to figure out a way not to sit on my balls when I get out of the shower. It's not that my balls are overly large, I just get complacent sometimes. Comment about anything you like, I'm not really tech savy, so I can't delete your posts.
I don't know if people are reading this or care. I'm a little late on the blog wagon, as my fat friend would say, but I figure now's better than ever to write a journal. I remember when I was little that I didn't have the patience to write a journal; I was too busy watching Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Dam movies on TBS Saturday afternoons instead of writing about riding bikes with my friends or sneaking looks at naked pictures. That was what we did in my neighborhood as kids. Very American, I guess.
What do I want to accomplish? Well, I'd like to make people laugh, and I'd like to practice my writing styles...I'd also like to figure out a way not to sit on my balls when I get out of the shower. It's not that my balls are overly large, I just get complacent sometimes. Comment about anything you like, I'm not really tech savy, so I can't delete your posts.
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